Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
