u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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