remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize