I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
