It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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