she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize