Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
