Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We're too hungover to prance.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
