I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will pee on everything he values.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
