ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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