He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
