Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize