It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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