Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
