she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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