phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
