I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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