Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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