until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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