At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
