the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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