She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
