My friends, they love my intelligence
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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