I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
