You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
