my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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