oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
