she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize