Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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