in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
