Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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