maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
