Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
