highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
false alarm, still single
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
