I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
