Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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