weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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