when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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