In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
