my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
