I just pynch a tree in the face
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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