I am puke
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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