Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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