I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
