So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
