if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Non-Jews are for practice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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