I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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