Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
