I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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