New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm too high and old for this...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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