Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
