my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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