What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
