yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
