i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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