i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
