He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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