Taylor Swift is so right about you.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
