ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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