y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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