Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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