I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
