people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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