my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
