I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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