I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
