If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
