What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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