So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
