If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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